Monday, November 19, 2007

Food Fight

As much as we here at Ibodera like pointing out how terrible other people are, part of it is recognizing that terribleness in ourselves and how we can continue to rule as much as we do. I recently was one of those terrible people, well to other people anyway.

During the MSU UofM tailgate a couple weeks ago, I found myself in a familiar position as a reckless tailgating drunk. Sometimes when I drink I regress into an angry 8 year old who likes to 'experiment' and by that I mean break things. I found a lonely unopened bottle of yellow mustard and a bag of Cheetos that were left behind in the remains of some barbeque. Instead of picking it up and throwing it away like I should have at this stage in my life, I chose to instead jump on the bag of Cheetos to see what would happen. They crunched. Then I decided to see what would happen if I did the same to a bottle of mustard. I jumped but nothing happened. I realized the seal you have to peel off on the inside was still on so after peeling that off I put the cap back on. Then I placed it on the ground, took a step back and jumped on it with all my weight. It blew up in a glorious explosion of one long streak of mustard. Fortunately me nor any of my friends got any on them.

Unfortunately the dudes walking by at that moment weren't so lucky. One dude in particular. He was covered from head to toe in mustard. I don't mean like someone squeezed a bottle on him, but like he jumped in a tub of it. All over his shoes, jeans, shirt, face and hair. Dude was a mess. Another dude got some in his hair. I also got a very tiny amount on some angry black dude's pants. After having a few words with me I found a napkin for the angry black guy to wipe off his pants that he had apparently just bought before the tailgate, I told the guy with mustard in his hair to stop whining and then I found a dirty paper towel for the guy covered in it. Long story short, I told the dude I was going to go get him some more paper towel and instead rounded up my friends and ran away. Literally ran.

I tell you this not to scare you into never tailgating with me, but to wonder why it is at age 25 I don't know the outcome of jumping on a bottle of mustard in the middle of a crowd. You would think that after all these years I would know that there are things you just don't do anymore. How does it happen that I still get so caught up in the moment that I ruin other people's day.

I guess I just do. I'm glad I did that. Those assholes probably deserved it. I don't owe them anything, I don't feel bad and I hope they learned a lesson. Keep your eyes open for anything at anytime. Those guys just need to relax and everything will be cool. The best part was the only guy who should have punched me in the face (the one covered from head to toe) only said one thing, "Next time you want to jump on a mustard bottle at tailgate, don't." Indeed good sir. Indeed.



M. Viggy said...

I think most of us know better then to attend a MSU tailgate . . .

Swami Says said...

i'll tailgate your face

Comic Book Guy said...

Worst comeback ever.

Brown Guy said...