Friday, December 28, 2007

Put Some Clothes On....

Recently, Other Guy and I have been going to the gym in our hometown and I guess we missed the memo that said "You must be naked and disgusting to enter the locker room." It's not like funny naked though. It's actually disgusting. First of all, I don't understand the allure of walking around naked in a room full of other guys. I could understand maybe if everyone was gay, but they're not. Not only that, I went to a gay gym last year. It wasn't called 'Gay Gym' (it was actually a Bally's) but it was 2 blocks from my apartment in Chelsea and it was mostly gay guys who went there. They weren't naked all the time. In fact, I don't think I ever saw one naked guy the entire time I was there. Granted they wore fishnet cut off shirts when they worked out, but they weren't naked.

I guess what makes me so mad is the way that they are naked. It isn't like just for a second before they put on clothes at their locker. It's the entire time they are in there. They get out of the shower and then walk around naked. This one guy blow drys his balls in front of the huge mirror which happens to be right in the entrance to the locker room. I saw another guy walk over to the urinal area completely naked. He wasn't even wearing flip-flops. I almost threw up when I saw that. People are really working hard to ruin my life over there.

I get it. You're naked. Cool. Go home and do it. I don't wanna see that. There's a reason I don't like looking at fat ugly naked white dudes, it's because you're disgusting. Don't talk to me when you're naked. Every time I go in there it's like f-ing Calendar Girls only instead of old naked white chicks it old naked fat pasty white dudes. Enough.

Seriously? I'm begging you. Put some clothes on.


This is pretty much the only locker room situation I'm down with...

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Mr. Big Shot

Good thing we have 4 people blogging here otherwise no one would ever post (he said sarcastically). There are a whole lot of intolerable people out lately. The Holidays have a tendency to bring out the crazies. But they also seem to be bringing out awesome basketball lately. Pistons v Celtics might have been the best regular season game I have seen in half a decade. It was amazing. Kobe's Lakers are legit without anyone really playing lights out which means they will hopefully get a chance to make it out of the first round this year. The Pistons are finally getting some respect back from people after beating them. Chauncey is so hot right now.

You know what needs to happen. Court side seats at basketball games need to be not so expensive. If they reserved like 5 of them for people to wait in line and by them at a reasonable price at the box office I can guarantee there would be at least a couple hundred people waiting in line every single game. I know I would. I just hate that 2 little 12 year old girls who clearly knows nothing about basketball and could care less about what's going on in the game than the chance that they might make it on the jumbotron get to sit there because their dad has season tickets and doesn't ever go to the game. Nothing could make me more mad than people wasting the best seats at any sporting event period.

Give me the ticket. I mean look at these seats...

I'm out man. Give me your tickets.


Wednesday, December 12, 2007

It's Just a Game...

Yesterday, Isiah Thomas had this to say about his job being in jeopardy and his woebegone Knicks...

"I fight 'til I die. It's not about giving up or quitting. To me, it's win or die. I literally mean death, I don't mean 'walk away.' I mean death. That's how I have coached. We've got a job to do here and we're going to get it done. I'm confident we have the right players and confident we have the right people, and we'll dig our way out of this."

Really? Death? Dude - relax. That's some next level shit. Have a seat and drink some water. It's basketball. I'd say he was just making a point but he goes out of his way to make sure we know death is the consequence if you lose. Now he never says who exactly is going to die which, to be honest, scares me a little. He's gonna kill somebody.

Calm down.


Tuesday, December 11, 2007

G-Chat Part I: Curry don't leave me!!

[Disclaimer: This post is stupid.]


This is the first installment of numerous more installments, reflecting the ridiculous/drama-soaked conversations that myself and others have over Gmail.

Peep the complete and utter disbelief that I express at the thought of a world without delicious curry:

me: what do you mean there is no such thing as curry?!! frankly, if that's true, i'm going to burst into tears!
Sent at 4:51 PM on Tuesday

[Unnamed]: there is no such thing as curry [Brown Guy]. its a colonialist invention that has sullied the good name of indian cooking

me: oooh
what the hell is curry, though?

[Unnamed]: there's no such thing! the nytimes wrote about how there is no such thing
its made up.. nothing in indian cooking is called curry. no indian could tell you what curry is

me: then why do i have it in my kitchen and love it so much?

[Unnamed]: hahahahaha

me: it's like garam masala, right?

like it's a bunch of stuff that's mixed together
[Unnamed]: you have garam masala in your ktichen!

me: tumeric
all that stuff
cardamom pods

[Unnamed]: yes... i would concede that curry at best is a mixture, an english name for masala
me: wow
that's a serious elvisification of spices
curry=elvis inventing rock n' roll

[Unnamed]: i'm finding that nytimes piece and sending it to you..i think it actually came out in 2004

Look. A world without curry is a world that I don't want to live in. And if curry is elvis, then I ain't nothin' but a hound dog.

That's real.

~Brown Guy

Sunday, December 9, 2007

Puerto Rico is for Pigs

Sorry for the hiatus, but I've spent the last few days in Puerto Rico with my company. Any number of unspeakable things happened, including me losing my iPod (and you best believe that within 24 hours I'd already purchased another); I took what amounts to a 9 hour shower in my hotel room; I walked around with my fly open for an entire night, and I took a swim in the ocean at 3am after taking a shot of Bacardi and chasing it with a swig of Hurricane. (NOT SMART!!)

But all ridicularity (I know, not a real word...) aside, I had one of the coolest experiences ever, taking a scenic drive with some coworkers from Rio Grande to the village of Cayay and hit up a Lechonera - or roasted pig stand - called "Lechonera Los Pino" that was seen on Discovery's Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations.

Let me just say that this was some of the juiciest, most tender and juicy pork that I've ever tasted. (Did I mention that it was juicy?)

As the famous comedian and street intellectual Chris Rock once said, "I'll eat a pig's a$$ if you cook it right!"

Indeed Mr. Rock. Indeed.

~Brown Guy


...white people rule.

Is That Even Legal...

You know what's funny? No, I mean besides the fact that Brown Guy, Viggy and Other Guy never blog... But how driving in front of a police car makes you question every move you make. I was sitting at a stop sign waiting to turn left onto a road that has quite a bit of traffic on it. I was going to turn into the middle turn lane to avoid having to wait for both sides to be clear when I saw the police car in my mirror. I wondered if that move is even legal. Then I began wondering if half of what people do on the road is legal.

About a month ago Other Guy mentioned Detroit traffic laws or the lack thereof and after a few recent visits I can confirm the notion. It's anarchy on the roads there. You can literally pull a u-turn right in front of a cop in the middle of the road while speeding with all your doors open and no one would care. It's madness.

That's about all.

Drive safe


Thursday, December 6, 2007

Superman That Tree...

So I recently found further proof that my parents think I'm Superman. Our realtor called us (my parents are selling our cottage) and informed us that a tree had fallen in our driveway and it was blocking part of it. My mom tells her not to worry, that I am home and I will move it. I had my doubts. I heard tree, and assumed it weighed more than me. I was right. I got there to see a large birch tree that I definitely could not pick up. I moved a lot of the branches but there was still some work left to do.

I waited for Other Guy to come home to help me out and we set off with a plan to tie it to my car. Unfortunately the driveway was pure ice and even my super powerful 4 wheel drive Subaru almost got stuck in the ice. So, it was up to our brute strength. Here is what happened. Be sure and watch carefully about a 1:35 in when Other Guy meets the ice.


Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Mr. Brady...

As much as I hate being a Spartan sharing a blog with three Wolverines, I must say that Tom Brady might be the best thing to come out of the Big 10 since Magic Johnson. A lot of controversy last night in that win over the Ravens and as nice as it would have been to see the underdog win, the penalties were all the right calls. I wonder if the Lions offered Brady 200 million dollars for the next 5 years, if he would consider coming to the D?

One could only hope. Meanwhile the Lions break my heart a little more every week. I don't know what's worse, being 6-2 and tied for the lead for the Wildcard and then losing 4 in a row to make it very hard, if not impossible, to make the playoffs or being as bad as we have been the past decade.

Oh well.


Friday, November 30, 2007

Yeah. Right.

You know what's wrong with this picture?

These assholes are smiling. That's what's wrong. Have these people ever even moved?! You know what happens when you move? You hate people. You hate anyone. You especially hate people that are having fun. 

Yesterday I had to move a new couch in and take an old couch out of my dad's office to put in my apartment. By myself. Luckily it was only a 'love seat' and not a full size couch, but it was still a heavy leather couch nonetheless. Nothing makes you want to hit someone like moving furniture. People just don't seem to understand that it's no time to joke. That's real life happening. 

I'm out


ps - If you ever need to move and you have some extra money, pay someone else to do it. As much as it sucks to move, it is conversely awesome to watch other people move your shit. 

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

The Grumpy Old Men

I recently turned 28 which (at age ten I informed my 29 year old cousin) is really, really, really old. The thing is I don't feel that old except that my body occasionally hurts now after I play basketball for three hours. Unfortunately little things have made me more and more aware of how I'm much different then five years ago. Like the fact that Brown Guy and I have conversations about things like furnishing, cutlery and retirement plans and less discussions of female anatomy, eating large amounts of food in one sitting, video games and shots at the bar. The worst part is that it feels normal not to talk about these things as much. Any attempt to recapture youth is dangerously close to being "those old creepy guys" trying to act 20.


In an attempt to recapture my "youth" I went with three other 27 year-olds and purchased an Xbox 360 for myself for my birthday. (My wife has yet to get me a gift, a story for another day) And no I haven't gotten Halo 3 yet, it's sold out in the DC area apparently . . .

Monday, November 26, 2007


Generally I am a huge fan of the YouTube. It's a very easy way to find hilarious commercials, basketball clips and best of all basketball commercials. It's also useful for a good laugh. What it's not meant for however is video clips of babies breast feeding. Cut that out. Damn. No one wants to see that. I often peruse the most watched section to see what all the hoopla is about and see what the kids are watching these days 'cause I'm down with the kids, but 9 times out of ten, on the front page of the most viewed is some lady feeding her baby. Stop it. I mean I can understand the allure if you are a new mother and you want to make sure you're doing what you're supposed to but damn, who else needs to watch that? I refuse to believe there are enough breast feeding fetishists out there to account for the hundred thousand views. People need to stop being crazy. Relax. I propose that from now on, if you come across those videos, you need to flag it for being out of control.

This is why I Tube...


Saturday, November 24, 2007

Good Music

Let me just preface this post by saying that Stevie Wonder is my favorite artist of all time. This clip from Eddie Murphy's "Delirious" does a good job of articulating the way I feel about this guy and his music. [WARNING: This clip contains language that may be offense to some.]:

As far as I'm concerned, "Stevie Wonder is a musical genius!" And if you don't like him, "your mother brought you up wrong mothaf*cka!"

That's real.

If you're new to Stevie or only know about him because of MLK Day or (Heaven forbid) American Idol, I strongly recommend gifting for yourself or someone else, "Talking Book," and "Music of My Mind," two of his most critically lauded and influential works.


Brown Guy

PS. Turkey and Mac N' Cheese took me out the game this week/weekend. I hope everyone had a great Turkey Day.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

An Obligatory Post

I've yet to post so I have decided (i.e. been coerced) to manufacture my first entry. I say "manufacture" because I have nothing noteworthy to say at this juncture in time. Since, however, this does not seem to be a requirement in the blogosphere I will simply cowboy up with an entry.

Why do I have nothing to say? Unquestionably, there is an entire world of ridiculousness that lies at my doorstep. I mean, I live in Detroit. Unfortunately, I have gone back to school and am having a hard time learning how to do anything other than go to class, memorize minute details, sleep, and wish I was sleeping. As a consequence I now rock a slight pauch and the interesting ruminations I once had whilst sitting on my porch and drinking a beer after a day at work are now gone.

Actually, even in the midst of blocking out the outside world, a few things stand out to me. First and foremost: driving in this city will teach you to face your inner demons, speak in tongues and simultaneously revere and despise life. I have witnessed NYC traffic in the few months I was there this summer and been stuck in LA traffic numerous times. Nothing transcends god awful driving like Detroit traffic. It's not that you are stuck in traffic endlessly (although, you are stuck in traffic for much longer than you need to be. Honestly, shouldn't it be on someone's agenda in a large city to make sure traffic flows in an orderly fashion? Without fail, as soon as your light turns green, the light down the block with turn yellow. Worst of all, once you notice this trend, each subsequent occurence gnaws at your soul), it's that nobody cares. Nobody cares about red lights, nobody cares about pedestrians (those in wheelchairs are no exception), nobody cares about oncoming traffic, one ways, checking blindspots - etc, etc, etc. People run red lights frequently - and not just in the dead of night. I don't dare accelerate as soon as a light turns green, but wait a few seconds to make sure no more Buick LeSabres will come barreling through- hell bent on on stomping on my little Honda. I saw a middle aged woman in a wheel chair very nearly get bowled over by a car that made no effort to slow or stop. Granted, she was jay-walking (or rolling, or whatever) - but the car didn't even try to swerve. The most amazing thing was - she didn't really seem to mind. Acted as if nothing happened. And this seems to be the norm. People just seem to accept it. So great is the acceptance, in fact, that everyone seems to join in the Mad Max atmosphere of Detroit streets.

Give this man a whistle and maybe he can do something about Detroit streets...

While my fear of dying on the roads has jumped markedly since I have moved here, my fear of incurring some kind of traffic violation has decreased greatly as well. In the world of points and auto insurance - I almost call this a fair trade. Nevertheless, I am always happy when I wind up arriving safely to wherever it is I was going. It's just one of the many things I'm thankful for as I roll into this Thanksgiving long weekend.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Food Fight

As much as we here at Ibodera like pointing out how terrible other people are, part of it is recognizing that terribleness in ourselves and how we can continue to rule as much as we do. I recently was one of those terrible people, well to other people anyway.

During the MSU UofM tailgate a couple weeks ago, I found myself in a familiar position as a reckless tailgating drunk. Sometimes when I drink I regress into an angry 8 year old who likes to 'experiment' and by that I mean break things. I found a lonely unopened bottle of yellow mustard and a bag of Cheetos that were left behind in the remains of some barbeque. Instead of picking it up and throwing it away like I should have at this stage in my life, I chose to instead jump on the bag of Cheetos to see what would happen. They crunched. Then I decided to see what would happen if I did the same to a bottle of mustard. I jumped but nothing happened. I realized the seal you have to peel off on the inside was still on so after peeling that off I put the cap back on. Then I placed it on the ground, took a step back and jumped on it with all my weight. It blew up in a glorious explosion of one long streak of mustard. Fortunately me nor any of my friends got any on them.

Unfortunately the dudes walking by at that moment weren't so lucky. One dude in particular. He was covered from head to toe in mustard. I don't mean like someone squeezed a bottle on him, but like he jumped in a tub of it. All over his shoes, jeans, shirt, face and hair. Dude was a mess. Another dude got some in his hair. I also got a very tiny amount on some angry black dude's pants. After having a few words with me I found a napkin for the angry black guy to wipe off his pants that he had apparently just bought before the tailgate, I told the guy with mustard in his hair to stop whining and then I found a dirty paper towel for the guy covered in it. Long story short, I told the dude I was going to go get him some more paper towel and instead rounded up my friends and ran away. Literally ran.

I tell you this not to scare you into never tailgating with me, but to wonder why it is at age 25 I don't know the outcome of jumping on a bottle of mustard in the middle of a crowd. You would think that after all these years I would know that there are things you just don't do anymore. How does it happen that I still get so caught up in the moment that I ruin other people's day.

I guess I just do. I'm glad I did that. Those assholes probably deserved it. I don't owe them anything, I don't feel bad and I hope they learned a lesson. Keep your eyes open for anything at anytime. Those guys just need to relax and everything will be cool. The best part was the only guy who should have punched me in the face (the one covered from head to toe) only said one thing, "Next time you want to jump on a mustard bottle at tailgate, don't." Indeed good sir. Indeed.


Goodbye Lloyd Carr

Regardless of what the critics may say Lloyd Carr will be missed.

Saturday, November 17, 2007

"Whatever I can get"

I'm always slightly alarmed by the wanton use of the "Whatever I can get" sexual preference option on Facebook. To me, "Whatever I can get" means that in the prolonged absence of another human being, one might consider hot, lovely relations with a pig or dolphin or some other mammal with purportedly high intelligence/relationship appeal. Look, I'm not one to judge. In undergrad, I hooked up with Chewbacca at least once and I'm sure several others who originate from the planet Kashyyyk; but when I found out that some dude from the UK got busted for doing the wild monkey dance with his bicycle, I decided to draw that proverbial line in the sand.

"Whatever I can get" has taken on new meaning for me. I mean, the thought of this guy throwing on a Barry Manilow record, pouring two glasses of Merlot and then talking his bike into doing something that it really doesn't want to do (but kinda wants to do) is simply too much.

I implore everyone to put a stop to the madness,

~Brown Guy

PS. I'm serious. Stop it.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

I still contend I'm not addicted to basketball . . . but this is too good

Fellow blogger Brown Guy has proposed (at least five times in the past two days) that I have a serious basketball addiction. I've always denied this and I was planning to use this blog to develop a few solid proofs that show I'm not. Then last night happened. I had a rec league basketball game at 9:15 and because I didn't check my phone or email after 5:00 I didn't find out until 8:30 that we would only have four people showing up. On the way to the game I was informed that in addition we had to win the game to make the playoffs. Since I don't want to get bore anyone with details I'll jump to the end of the story . . . we won a 40 minute game playing 4 on 5. I've never been a part of anything like it. I can't say that we played particularly well or that the other team was particularly terrible (Although, given their performance, I'm sure it wouldn't be hard to make that argument) but we won by five and led at one point in the second half by 15. I should also note that we only had one player over 6 feet tall. I honestly don't know what else to say. I'm kind of at a loss. I've never even heard of anything like that happening. I know I would have to strongly consider giving up basketball if I lost to a team playing with four guys against five. Before you start making judgements about the quality of the other team let me tell you that four of the guys apparently played high school basketball with a member of our team. (Although as I pointed out on the ride home high school was over ten years ago. More on this subject later.) Thoughts? Has something like this ever happened to anyone else?


Seriously? You have got to be kidding me. This girl is my hero.


Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Monkey See. Monkey Do.

Why is it that every time I see someone digging in their nose, I say "ewe" to myself and then 3 minutes later hit the jackpot in my own nose with my own metacarpal(s)? It's really a freaking ridiculous and contagious habit and set of behaviors that I came face to face with today on the Metro. Today I watched it all go down like this:
  • Alarmingly big, soft and pimply dude squeezes his way into a "seniors seated first" seat on the train. An old, unsuspecting woman loses the good fight and becomes pinned to this mass of soon-to-be boogerfication for the duration of the 8 minute ride.
  • Pimply dude starts going at it with his nose like his finger is Tom and the booger is Jerry, and Jerry is running in and out of crevices and fooling Tom into eating a stick of dynamite that's sandwiched between two hotdog buns...or something like that. What I'm trying to say is dude was digging in his m*****f****n' nose like a m*****f****r!
Chain reaction begins.
  • Homely woman sitting across from pimply dude makes a funny face, having seen pimply dude's gold expedition with intricate detail - only rivaled by that of an iMax show in 3D. Homely woman then -- not even two minutes later-- proceeds to pinch a golden apple from her left nostril.
  • Next up, Jewish dude with product-devoid afro and disgustingly expensive jeans gives some "thumb up the nose" action. (and for those of you who think thumb up the nose is either a) okay to do, or b) discreet, I have to inform you that you are STILL digging in your m*****f****n' nose like a m*****f****r! And everybody knows it.)
So I'm sitting back right? Brown Guy observing the masses in complete and utter disgust and contempt for the metro's version of Lewis and Clark and the entire boogery bunch. Finally my stop comes and I hurry off, shooting each culprit a patented Brown Guy look of contempt (TM). As I scurry up the escalator and lock eyes with this dude wearing a tank-top (and it's like 55 degrees outside so I'm allowed to look at him funny), I notice him shooting me back a funky look of disgust.

I just think to myself that dude is salty about my fresh argyle from Banana, but low and behold, and without my own immediate awareness, my middle finger is solidly in my nose 3/4ths of the way to the first knuckle.

Picking your nose is contagious. Monkey see. Monkey do.

~Brown Guy

Ps. Get your fingers out your nose.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

NBA News:

The NBA season is just a few weeks old and already plenty of stories abound. Can anyone beat Boston? Will the Sonics win a game before they move to Oklahoma City? Is Marbury finished in New York? Is Gilbert's knee injury worse then initially thought? Lost in the news was a seemingly smaller transaction that took place around 5:00 pm Eastern time on November 11th.

"11/11/07 - Los Angeles Lakers acquire Ramanan Vistabula from The Deerpark Water Playazs of the Cook County Recreational C League in exchange for $22.35 and a conditional case of beer to be named later."

The Lakers released the following press release through their website,

"In an effort to provide Kobe Bryant some additional interior help in the 2007-2008 season the Lakers have acquired Ramanan "The Compeller" Vistabula from the Deerpark Water Playaz. The Compeller averaged close to two points a game last season in the Cook County Recreational C League while leading the league in blocked shots at .016 per game."

We here at Scoop headquarters were ecstatic to hear that Vistabula was back in the basketball scene, and we promise not to rest until we are able to give you a complete account of all the details surrounding this story. For now we leave you with the following quote from Brian Demulder (a player on last seasons 2-10 Deerpark Water Playaz)

"I've never played with anyone like him (Vistabula). He's always just a blur of arms and legs. Not very graceful mind you, he kinda reminded me of a clumsy giraffe crossed with a sickly tree. I will miss him though, he always had plenty of Gatorade to share."

~ The Scoop

As I Am

If you like Alicia Keys, go get this. It's pretty kick ass. Very good winter/driving/baby making album. Also, go get the "Dan in Real Life" soundtrack. It's also really good.


Say Hello... 2 Indian brothers (in both the literal sense and the way black people use it which I think is more meaningful anyways), one angry Brown Guy, and for tax purposes, a random white guy named Viggy. You could have been witness to them when they lived together briefly in the summer of 03 in the streets of Ann Arbor. Now they are scattered throughout the east coast and by east coast I mean in DC, NYC and Detroit.

By reading this blog you can expect to learn something about yourself, mostly about why you are blowing it and what should be doing with your life to rule more. You can also learn a lot about 4 of the coolest people east of the Mississippi. Also, most importantly, you will learn why we rule.

Monday, November 12, 2007

The New Hotness

If you know what's good for you, you'll read this blog on the regular. It is written by 4 of the coolest people in probably the galaxy. We will be discussing things in general, mostly how terrible people are. For example, this guy at Best Buy who was too fat to fit down the cd aisle consequently making him bump into me and instead of saying sorry, he looked at me like it was my fault that he weighed 8 million pounds. If he spent half as much time eating and devoted that time to showering, it would have made the experience much better.